Letter 20

May 9, 1983

My Dear Son,

How are you By now I truly hope you are doing OK and in the Very Best of health. As for me I faring Better Thank the good Lord. So I not going to complain. It could Be worse. I receive your letter also the Check. I thank you. Now I start on my teeth.

Doc I sorry you are unhappy with your love life.* I want to tell you this life is what you make it. Let it Be love life or spiritual life. I say that to say this. My Child you are a handsome nice looking young man. Why let your life go to waste. There plenty girls in the world which probably can make your life happy. But you want let your self go. That wrong. Why do you want Some one and they dont want you. See that Why you making your own life miserable.

I want you to get out that house and Find your self a nice girl Who Care For you.

And you say you Stop going Church Because the minister was on your Case. Dont stop Keep going. See that the Devil. And you Know. Seek God in pardon of your Sin. Keep asking God what you want and I know he give you what you need. I Been young my self. Some time Some you think you love is hard to give up. But you can do it.

Look Just ask your self a Question. Why do I want Some thing that dont really mean me no good. Just think about it. And go to the Doctor. Get you Some nerve pills. Just do this For me Because when you are not happy it make me Sad too Because I want you to Be happy. Stop feeling Sorry for your self For nothing. Just stretch out on God's Word. Keep praying. You will get revenge. Believe me What I say Because I been there. He never failed me yet.

So you Just think about it. Dont think you are not loved Because you is. Mother love you. I pray For you too. But above all you must Pray For your self. Ask for it in Faith. God grant to you in grace.

Well I guess you are tired of reading my Bad hand riten. So long

From Mother

I look For you the middle of the month. Let me Know What day. All send love.

*   *   *   *   *

 Commentary

*During this period, my relationship with Cecelia was on the slide toward the abyss. Even before I got involved with her I knew that it would go nowhere. But she was a beautiful flower that I longed to  embrace  in spite of its thorns. To further complicate matters, I became involved briefly that summer with a German girl named Annette, who convinced me that she and her husband had an understanding. I knew it was all wrong, a great sin and shameful, such is faithlessness and adultery, even if one went undiscovered. Though hard on my soul (Lord, forgive me.), I indulged myself. There was a thrill, but little pleasure. I am still doing penance for this wrong and others. I not only violated another,  the sanctity of my brother's household, but also destroyed some goodness in me. At the time, I thought, there was something, like moral maturity, to be gained by such daring, by knocking down such traditional barriers. The life or a rogue and a rake usually ends up empty.