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Letter
to the Red States
Our Split Will Be Beneficial to the Nation
Dear Red States,
We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've
decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and
we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't
aware, the Blue States include Hawaii, California, Oregon,
Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the
Northeast and mid-Atlantic states.
We believe this split will be beneficial to
the nation, and especially to the people of our
new country.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Arkansas, Oklahoma and all the
Slave States; we get stem cell research, the Sierras, the entire
Pacific Northwest, and the best beaches.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and
entrepreneurs; you get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the US tax
revenue; you get to make the Red States pay their fair share. We
get the Statue of Liberty; you get Opry Land. We get Intel and
Microsoft; you get World Com. We get San Francisco and Carmel;
you get Fargo, North Dakota and Picayune, Mississippi. We get
Harvard, Yale and Princeton – In fact, we get all the Ivy
League and Seven Sisters, plus Stanford, Carnegie-Mellon,
Chicago, Berkeley, Cal Tech, UCLA, and MIT; you get Oral Roberts
University, Ole' Miss, and Bob Jones University.
We get the Golden Gate Bridge; you get the Atchafalaya Causeway.
We get Elliot Spitzer; you get Rush Limbaugh. We get PBS; you
get Professional Wrestling and the Daytona Speedway.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22
percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get most of the
happy families; you get a bunch of single moms. You get The
Alamo; we get Yosemite.
Please be aware that our new country will be
pro-environment, pro-choice and anti-war. We're going to want
all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to
fight your wars, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're
apparently willing to send to their deaths under false
pretenses, and they don't care if the news censors pictures of
their dead children's caskets coming home.
We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that
the WMDs eventually turn up so you can feel that the sacrifice
of our country's reputation, money, and young men and women was
worthwhile and that your President is not a liar (and you will
be rid of those of us who believe he is not even our President).
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80
percent of the country's fresh water, 86 percent of the
aerospace industry, more than 92 percent of the nation's fresh
fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all
cheese, and most of the high-quality low-sulfur coal.
We also will have all living Redwoods, Giant
Sequoias and Condors. We will get the solar energy industry; you
will get 90 percent of the most polluted toxic waste cleanup
sites in the US. We will have the Pacific Coast salmon industry;
you will have Louisiana's crayfish. We will get the high-tech
industry; you will get Kentucky.
With the Red States, you will have to cope with
88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health
care costs), 92 percent of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent
of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of
all Southern Baptists, and virtually 100 percent of all
televangelists and telemarketing companies, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe
Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale and that Joshua made the
Earth stand still in its rotation, 62 percent believe life is
sacred (unless they're discussing the death penalty or gun
laws), 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53
percent still believe that Saddam was involved in the 9/11
terror attacks, and 61 percent believe they are people with
higher morals then ours.
Sincerely,
A Thinking American
* * *
* *
Note: The
map above is a US. version
including Alaska and Hawaii.
The presidential
election is decided on the basis of the electoral college.
Each state contributes a certain number of electors to the
electoral college, who vote according to the majority in their
state. The candidate receiving a majority of the votes in the
electoral college wins the election. The electoral votes are
apportioned roughly according to states' populations, as
measured by the census, but with a small but deliberate bias in
favor of smaller states.
More on Elections
posted 18 January 2005 |
