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Refuse
to Watch You Die
By Liberty R.
O. Daniels As I
stand in the background
peering
around the doorway
watching
my sister fawn all over you
treating
you like the infant child
that
her empty womb never embraced
referring
to you as her baby
bibbing
you and feeding you tiny peas and carrots
strained
to perfection
while
you lay in a reclining position
wasting
away
in
the bed that you refused to share
with
my father
your
husband of nearly 60 years
waiting
with tired old eyes
puffed
up and closed
from
watching
seeing
your
last years ease on by you
without
a fight
as
the next person gets you up
or
sits you up
or
leads you to the potty chair
and
wipes your butt when finished
I
refuse
I
will not watch you die
I see
you sleeping
your
mouth open
false
teeth protruding forth
half
in half out
like
a late-night movie monster of sorts
breathing
labored
but
just enough to cause a snore
with
stale breath breezing past my nostrils
Your
long silky hair is pulled back
away
from your face
into
a ponytail
and
you look so helpless
like
the cactus that you have been made in to
and
it may please her
that
you are in your present condition
dependent
upon her
for
your every movement
your
every breath
but
not I
I
absolutely refuse
I
will not watch you die
Once
a month
she
dresses you up
drags
you out of the house
to
the doctor
where
she discusses you
as if
you were not there
giving
progress reports
and
answering questions directed to you
too
impatient to wait for your slow-reaction response
Then
off to the beauty shop
where
hair-dressers dye your hair
keeping
the gray away
that
never graced your head
because
you were too vain to let it
They
place that hot comb
on
hair that should not be hot combed
and
burn your scalp
and
you never flinch
or
cry out
or
complain
but
the evidence is there
when
my youngest daughter
your
last grandchild
massages
your scalp
and
combs your hair
and
finds those dark crusty spots and asks
"what's this, Mommy?"
and I
tell her
and
become irritated with them
and
wonder if you felt pain
as your scalp was singed by them
and
wonder if they apologized to you
for having hurt you
and
wonder if they even knew
what they had done
or cared that they did it
I
refuse
I
will not watch you die
I
comfort myself
in
the house on Evergreen Parkway
in a
sub-division where I didn't grow up
by
staying in the living room or dining room
watching
TV or the occasional traffic that passes by
or
squirrels that scamper across the yard
looking
for crumbs of food
and I
remember those days in the past
when
you were the boss
the
be all see all know all
in
the family
and
how everyone had such respect for you
and
looked up to you as if you were ten feet tall
Where
are all of those people now
now
that you are ill
now
that you are ailing
festering
in your diminished capacity
unlike
the brilliant diamond you once were
and
hearty party attitude you once displayed
You
outlived them
some
by decades
and
now
you
find yourself alone
with
your two surviving daughters
and
my three children
who
are desperate to make a connection with
someone
who their mother never made a connection with
because
you folded my sister
into
the cake batter of your arms and heart
and
sifted me out
and
though I am not bitter
because
I had lots of other mothers
better
than you
I
still miss that intimacy
that
I share
with
my youngest daughter
that
I never had with you
that
I never will have with you
and
even so
and
even though
we
could be very intimate now
I
still
refuse
I will not watch you die
* * *
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© by Liberty R. O. Daniels |
