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The Ways
of Women
A Folktale Most folk say the sixth day was Saturday.
Cause on the seventh day didn’t the Lord rest and look his
creation over? Now it may have been Saturday that he done the
work of making man and woman, but from all the signs, he must
thought up the first man and woman on old unlucky Friday.
Saturday or Friday, the Lord made them. Then
he made a nice garden and a fine house with a cool dogtrot for
them to set in when the sun get hot. “Adam and Eve,” he say,
“here it is. Get your stuff together and move in.
“Thank you kindly, Lord,” say Eve.
“Wait a minute, Lord,” say Adam. “how
we going pay the rent? You aint create no money yet, is you?”
The Lord say, “Don’t worry your head
about that, Adam. It’s a free gift for you and the little
woman.”
So the man and woman move in and start to
ready up the house to make it comfortable to live in. And then
the trouble began.
“Adam,” says the woman, “you get the
stove put up while I hangs the curtains.”
“Why don’t you put up the stove,” say
Adam, and me hang the curtains? You’s strong as me. The Lawd
ain’t made neither one of us stronger than the other. How come
you always shoving off the heavy stuff one me?”
“Cause there’s man’s work and there’s
woman’s work, Adam,” say Eve. “It don’t look right for
me to do that heavy stuff.”
“Don’t look right to who” say Adam.
“Who’s going see it? You know there ain’t no neighbors
yet.”
Eve stomp the floor. She say, “Just cause
it ain’t no neighbors yet aint no reason for us acting trashy
behind their backs, is it?”
“Ain’t that just like a woman!” say
Adam. Then he set down and fold his arms. “I ain’t going put
up no stove,” he say, “for that woman!
Next thing he know old Eve lollop him in the
talk box with her fist and he fall over backward like a calf hit
by lightning. Then he scramble up and was all over her like a
wildcat. They bang and scuffle round there till the house look
like a cyclone been playing in it. Neither one could whup, cause
the Lord had laid the same equal strength on them both.
After while they both were too wore out to
scrap. Eve flop on the bed and start kicking her feet and
bawling. "Why you treat me so mean, Adam?" she holler.
"Wouldn't treat a no account old hound like you treat poor
me!"
Adam spit out a tooth and tried to open the
black eye she give him. He say, "If I had a hound that bang
into me like you does, I'd kill him."
But Eve start bawling so loud, with the tears
just sopping up the bed clothes, that Adam sneak out of the
house. Feeling mighty mean and low, he sat round awhile out
behind the smokehouse studying what best to do. Then he go up to
heaven to find the Lord.
The Lord say, "Well, Adam? Anything
about the house won't work? It's the first one I ever made and
it might have some faults."
Adam shake his head. "The house is
prime, Lord. The house couldn't be no better than it is."
"What then, Adam? say the Lord.
"To tell the truth," say Adam,
"it's that Eve woman. Lord, you made us with the equal
strength and that's the trouble. I can't get the best of her
nohow at all."
The Lord frown then. "Adam!" he
say. "Is you trying to criticize the Lord? Course you's of
the equal strength. That the fair way to make a man and woman so
they both pull in the harness even."
Adam tremble and shake but he so upset an
miserable he just has to keep on. He say, "But Lord, it
really ain't equal between the two of us."
Lord say, "Be careful there, Adam! You
is disputing the Lord smack to the face!"
"Lord," say Adam, "like you
says, we is equal in the strength. But that woman done found
another way to fight. She start howling and blubbering till it
make me feel like I'm a lowdown scamp. I can't stand that sound,
Lord. If it go on like that, I knows old Eve going always get
her way and make me do all the dirty jobs."
"How come she learn that trick?"
say the Lord, looking like he thinking hard. "Ain't seen no
little old pink man with horns and a pitchfork hanging round the
place, is you, Adam?"
"Naw, Lord. Thought I heard Eve talking
with somebody down in the apple orchard this morning, but she
say it just the wind blowing. Naw, I ain't seen no pink man with
horns. Who would that be, anyhow, Lord?"
"Never you mind, Adam," say the
Lord. "Hmmmmmmm!"
"Well," say Adam, "this woman
trouble got me down. I sure be much oblige if you makes me
stronger than Eve. Then I can tell her to do a thing and slap
her till she do. She do what she told if she know she going get whupped."
"So be it!" say the Lord.
"Look at yourself, Adam!"
Well Adam look at his arms. Where before they
was smooth and round, now the muscle bump up like prize yams.
Look like it was two big corn pone under the skin of his chest
and that chest it was like a barrel. His belly it was like a
washboard and his legs so awful big and down right lumpy they
scared him.
"Thank you kindly, good Lord!" say
Adam. "Watch the woman mind me now!" so that Adam high
tail it home and bust in the back door.
Eve setting down rocking in the rocker. Eve
looking mean. Didn't say a mumbling word when Adam come
strutting in. Just look at him, just reached down in the wood
box for a big stick of kindling.
"Drop that stick, woman!" say Adam
"Say who?" say the woman. "Who that
talking big round here?"
"With that, she jump on him and try to
hammer his head down with the stick
Adam just laugh and grab the stick and heave
it out the window. Then he give her a lazy little slap that sail
her clean cross the room. "That who saying it, sugar!"
he say.
"My feet must have slip or
something," say Eve. "And you the one going to pay for
it out of your hide, Adam!"
So the woman come up clawing and kicking and
Adam pick her up and whop her down.
"Feet slip again, didn't they?" say
Adam
"It must be I couldn't see good where
you is in this dark room," say Eve. She rise up and feather
into him again.
So Adam he pick her up and throw her on the
bed. Before she know what, he start laying it on with one hand,
hold her down with the other.
Before long Eve bust out bawling. She say,
"Please quit that whacking me, Adam honey! Aw please,
honey!"
"Is I the boss round here?" say
Adam
"Yes, honey," she say. "You is
the head man, boss."
"All right," he tell her. "I
is the boss. The Lord done give me the more power of us two.
From now on out and then some, you mind me, woman! What I just
give you ain't nothing but a little hum. Next time I turn the
whole song loose on you."
He give Eve a shove and say, "Fry me
some catfish, woman."
"Yes, Adam honey," she say.
But old Eve was mad enough to bust. She wait
till Adam catching little nap. Then she flounce down to the
orchard where there's a big old apple tree with a cave between
the roots. She look round till she sure nobody see her, then she
stick her head in the cave and holler. Now, it
may been the wind blowing and it may been a bird, but it sure
sound like somebody in that cave talking with Eve. Eve she sound
like she complaining that she got a crooked deal and then it
sound like she saying, "yes--yes--Yes. You mean on which
wall? The east wall? Oh! all right." Anyhow,
Eve come back to the house all smiling to herself like she know
something. She powerful sweet to Adam the rest of the day. So
next morning Eve go up to heaven to find the Lord. Lord
say, "you again Eve? what can I do for you?" Eve
smile and drop a pretty curtsy. "Could you do me a little
old favor, Lord?" say Eve. "Name it,
Eve," say the Lord. "See them two
little old rusty keys hanging on that nail on the east
wall?" Eve say. "If you ain't using them, I wish I had
them little old keys." "I
declare!" say the Lord. "I done forgot they hanging
there. But, Eve, they don't fit nothing. Found them in some junk
and think maybe I find the locks they fit some day. They been
hanging on that nail ten million years and I ain't found the
locks yet. if you want them, take them. Ain't doing me no
good." So Eve take the two keys and thank
the Lord and go on back down home. There was two doors without
no keys and Eve find that the two rusty ones fit. "Aaah!"
she say. "Here's the locks the Lord couldn't find. Now,
Mister Adam, we see who the boss!" Then she lock the two
doors and hide the keys. Before long Adam come
in out of the garden. "Gimme some food, woman!" he
say. "Can't Adam," say Eve.
"The kitchen door is lock." "I
fix that!" say Adam. So he try to bust the kitchen door
down. But the lord built that door and Adam can't even scratch
it. Eve say, "well, Adam honey, if you go
out in the woods and cut some wood for the fire. I maybe can get
the kitchen door open. Maybe I can put one then conjure tricks
on it. Now, run along, honey, and get the wood. "Wood
chopping is your work," say Adam, "since I got the
most strength. But I do it this once and see can you open the
doors." So he get the wood and when he
come back, Eve had the door open. And from then on out Eve kept
the key to the kitchen and made Adam haul in the wood. Well,
after supper Adam say, "Come on, honey, lets you and me hit
the frog hair." "Can't," say
eve. "The bedroom door is locked." "Dadblame!"
say Adam. "Reckon you can trick that door too, Eve?" "Might
can," say Eve. "Honey, you just get a piece of tin an
patch that little hole in the roof and while you's doing it,
maybe I can get the bedroom door open." So
Adam patched the roof and Eve she unlocked the bedroom door.
From then on she kept that key and used it to suit herself. So
that the reason, the very reason, why the men think they is boss
and the women knows they is boss, cause they got them two little
keys to use in that slippery women's way. Yes, forever more and
then some! And if you don't know that already,
you ain't no married man. Source: Tennessee Writers' Project,
God Bless the Devil!
by James R. Aswell, et al. The University of Tennessee Press, 1985. * *
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post 22 June 2008 |
